Our older son, Luke, raised a great question during our family meeting about “our” money–“family” money (or, in many ways, “John’s & Sarita’s” money)–as opposed to “my” money (the money that Luke [or any one of the kids] earns him- or herself).

“I don’t feel the same way about the money I get from Mom and Dad,” he noted. He said he almost feels ashamed either to ask for it or receive it. The only money he feels good about using or spending is the money he has earned himself. . . .

I thought that was a good observation and something we needed (and still need to) talk about: What is our attitude about money? What do we want for our kids? What do we specifically not want? . . .

I’ve told the kids, before, about how, when Sarita and I were first married and living at the bottom edge of the socio-economic spectrum, we always kept a practical and verbal distinction between “our” money or “family” money (which we shared together; i.e., especially in the very earliest days, pretty much all the money we possessed), “my” money and “your” money.

Neither one of us was permitted to spend any of “our” money–the “family” money–unless both of us agreed. Groceries, clothes . . . whatever was going to come out of that pool had to be by mutual agreement.

The individual money–”my” money and “your” money, the money that we individually counted as our own–amounted to all of a dime a week. Yes, ten cents. Enough, barely, to buy a small pack of gum at the time (in the late ’70s). But that little, tiny piece of breathing room meant we felt free. Neither one of us could judge the other for spending that money in some manner that the other wouldn’t approve.

That little bit of money, too, gave us the ability to say, when we gave the other a gift, “I bought this with my own money.” –The gift was a true, personal sacrifice.

I sense this little story may have something to say in answer to Luke’s question. But not much.

I’ll have to think on this one some more.

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So Sarita and I are working through this legacy planning process.

G____, our advisor, gave us a 20-page booklet full of questions for us to answer. Some are relatively easy. But many are thought-provoking, and some cause me consternation.

I’d like to share some of the questions with you. I hope they inspire you as they have me. . . .

The questionnaire begins with “Childhood Reflections”: Read the rest of this entry »