How to maximize human and intellectual capital

One of James Hughes’ great themes–something he stressed in his first book, Family Wealth, and that he emphasizes again in his latest volume, Family: The Compact Among Generations–is the idea that a family needs to grow its human and intellectual capital. The growth of human and intellectual capital must come before the growth of monetary capital. Human and intellectual capital are more important than monetary capital.

In Family: The Compact Among Generations, Hughes insists that family members must participate in the family from desire and interest rather than out of any sense of obligation or external compulsion.

“[N]o human being will voluntarily join any organization unless he first perceives that he will be enhanced by it before having to contribute to it.” And so,

One excellent measure of how likely a family is to succeed [at avoiding the old aphorism "shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations"] is the nature of its commitment to its members. Does it ask, “What can each of us in the family do to enhance your individual journey of happiness before we ask you to help the family?” Or does it declare, “Help us and then we might help you”? . . .

Trapped in a system in which there is no way to individuate or differentiate, the human spirit declines –p. 23

So, says Hughes, one of the great responsibilities of the family is to maximize the benefits to individual members of their human and intellectual capital; maybe better stated: to improve their human and intellectual capital. Toward that end, Hughes says,

In my work with families, . . . I suggest that they consider the current stage of life of each of their members and help them focus on the issues they’re likely to be facing. I invite them to see the three major stages of life as those of learning, doing, and being/giving back. They can use these definitions to ask questions of each family member. From the answers, they can determine which stage the person has reached.

One exercise I use at annual family gatherings and at every first session I have with the family is to ask each family member to make a list of his individual passions, his big dream, and what one gift the family could give that would most enhance that member’s life at this stage. My goal at these sessions is to help each family member understand how to integrate passions and dreams into the present stage of life.

One very important lesson I’ve learned from these exercises is that age is a useful guidepost in discovering an individual’s stage of life but it’s rarely a perfect predictor. . . .

If an individual does not fully live the first or the second stage of life, he will not be ready for the transition to the next stage and will truncate his development. A family must be aware of the risk to the family as a whole when family members fail to complete a stage of life and are unable to move on healthily to the next. The stunted growth of one member stunts the growth of all. –pp. 71-72

Two thoughts:

I think we need to heed Hughes’ wisdom and advice.
When we are aware of life transformations coming up for our children or grandchildren, it would be wise and helpful for us to bring our awareness to their attention. By doing so, we may be able to ease their own transitions.
–I mention this because I have seen it at work in my own family. Nine years ago or so, when our eldest daughter was about to be married, I sensed what was on the horizon. I could feel the tension rising between us. At that time, Amy was still very much our daughter, but I knew her allegiance was being transferred over to her husband-to-be. Topics that we had previously been able to discuss openly and without tension were suddenly a bit more tender. I realized she needed a bit more privacy than she had had in the past. Sometimes I could sense she was torn between wanting to be “faithful” to her fiancé–upholding his interests–but, yet, realizing that some of the questions we asked about his motivations or interests probably had some validity.
I told her,”Amy, I think you should know: we are entering into a very difficult period of life. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. Mom and I are going to ask you questions, I’m sure, that you wish we wouldn’t ask. But that’s part of our responsibility as parents. . . . I sense that’s part of our role as parents: to ask you those kinds of questions.

“Please know that we are not angry at you. It’s not that we love you less. In fact, it’s very much because we love you that we ask you all these questions.”

I told her about my own experience at that stage in my relationship with Sarita. I told her about what I had observed between my parents and my older brother. I explained, as best I could, my theory about why we parents feel it’s so important to question our children at length at this point in their lives.

“These are difficult times. Difficult for you, and difficult for us as your parents. We’ll get through it. But I think it’s just useful for you to know that what we’re going through is not abnormal. It should be expected. Once you’re married, however, all this tension should subside. Once the marriage happens, the deed is done. But right now you’re going through transition. To borrow the phrase from the Bible, you’re leaving us, and you’re beginning to cleave to Phil. And that’s a tough transition! . . .”

I think, having simply talked about these things made the transition period easier for all concerned. When we’d get into one of those sticky situations where we’d want to question the motives or intentions of the other person, I think both of us were able to look back on this conversation and say to ourselves, “It’s okay. We’re just in the difficult time of transition.” And somehow that made it a little better.