Our youngest, heading toward summer break between his sophomore and junior year at college, wants to stay in western PA this summer. He has his reasons. We have our reasons for wanting him to come home. If he stays, we won’t feel he is being “disobedient” or “rebellious.” But we aren’t convinced it’s the best idea. We sense there are many reasons to think coming home to Colorado, at least this summer, may be a better option.

So when he asked for use of a car we purchased for him (our thought, never fully expressed, but fairly well understood: for his use while he is at home from college; for passing on to him when he graduates); and when he asked for rent money; and for living allowance; and for . . . –We said no.

“Why?”

He thought we were being unreasonable. “What is the point of owning a car if you are going to just leave it sitting in a garage?” he asked. “What is the point of being blessed with wealth if you aren’t willing to use it?”

As we talked, I realized I didn’t have full or firm answers to all his questions. As I noted, I, myself, am not convinced he is making a mistake to stay in PA. It’s certainly not a matter of us “laying down the law” and him “taking the law into his own hands.”

Rather, partially, it’s a preference. Partially, too, however, knowing his character, knowing his strengths and weaknesses, his aptitudes, his interests: we “just” think Colorado is probably a better choice. He thinks otherwise. He thinks he is acquiring new character qualities he has not exhibited in the past. . . . And the truth is: we don’t know. None of us knows.

But the conversation has continued for days.

It was somewhere about three days (and maybe five hours’ worth of letter writing and reading and telephone conversations) into this discussion that, in the midst of a phone call, I said, “I’d like to take a break. I want to pull back from this conversation. I’d like us to have a little meta-conversation–a conversation about the conversation. I want to talk about what I think is going on between us right now. And it’s not just about you staying in Pittsburgh, or having use of the car, or us helping (or not helping) to fund your stay out there. It’s something bigger.”

And the something bigger, I suggested, was (and still is–because the conversation, I think, is still on-going!) . . . –The “something bigger” is similar to what I first saw happen in my older brother’s relationship with my parents when he announced his interest and intention to get married; it was something I saw happen less forcefully in Sarita’s and my relationships with our parents when we got married; it was something I first commented about to our oldest daughter relatively early in her engagement to be married . . . –It’s something I am now beginning to think is part of the standard process of maturation into adulthood, gaining independence from our parents, establishing new allegiances outside of or beyond those we have held while growing up.

Next: What it’s all about.

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