Most people seem to assume they should give an inheritance to their children. No matter what. And equally for all.

Gary North argues that may be a big mistake!

North, I believe, was the first person who challenged me to think about to whom I should give my estate. It was probably 15 or 20 years ago when I read an article in which he said, “Don’t give your money to someone who is going to use it against the very things in which you believe and for which you have dedicated your life.” –Something like that.

Just because he’s your son, doesn’t mean you have to give him an inheritance. Not if you’ve been seeking the Kingdom of God and all he’s interested in is doing the Devil’s work! Read the rest of this entry »

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Carol Weisman makes some really useful suggestions for a family meeting. (See Raising Charitable Children, Chapter 3.) She says in her family they start out each annual meeting by passing a list of the charities to which they’ve donated in the past. The list not only shows the names of all the charities, but also expresses why the family donated to them. Weisman says that’s a good way to get people brainstorming about where the current year’s donations might be directed. Read the rest of this entry »

What is the right size inheritance to give to your children?

I was first confronted with this question many years ago by an article in which the author asked if it made any sense to fund a child who has decided to rebel against everything you have ever stood for. –Should you give them an equal inheritance to that which you give your other children who are more deeply committed to the causes and values that you espouse?

It wasn’t that I had such a child, nor that I even had any wealth to pass to our children. But it got me thinking.

More recently, especially as our estate’s value has grown, I’ve been confronted by other questions. For example: Should the kids inherit everything you can give them? Read the rest of this entry »

I love questions. If I find a good one, I often consider it almost more valuable than whatever answer someone may offer. Questions can help to reveal the truth, of course. But well-constructed questions can inspire deep thought, and the rare person who asks them can help to deepen relationships in ways that people who merely talk, or others, who merely listen, never will. Of course, merely asking the question is not enough. You have to also listen to the answers–really listen, and demonstrate that you care what the other person has to say. But that kind of questioning and listening behavior can open doors to other people’s hearts in ways that mere talk never can.

All that by way of introduction to my primary purpose, here: I wanted to share with you a set of 10 “golden questions” for parents to discuss with their children. Read the rest of this entry »

So I began this series talking about Justin.

What happened after our meta-conversation? Did anything change?

Honestly? Not much, really.

He still wanted the car. He still asked for us to fund his exploits.

We turned him down on every request.

“You know I’m going to have to get a loan in order to make this work,” he said.

“Yes, I know. Which is one of the reasons Read the rest of this entry »

There come points in almost everyone’s life where we have to make choices that are not clear-cut in terms of whether they are right or wrong, good or bad, related to obedience or disobedience. They go beyond such categories.

I’m talking about choices for which one cannot possibly know the answer for sure: Should I take this job? Should I marry this woman (this man)? Should I rent this apartment/buy this house?

There’s almost always that lingering question, the lingering doubt.

And when you’re a young person, and you’re just starting out, and you’re used to getting a lot of parental feedback and, possibly, even, direction: there comes a point where your parents won’t know for sure what the right answer is. They may have some preferences, some hunches. You want to listen to them for wise counsel. But, ultimately, Read the rest of this entry »

Our older son, Luke, raised a great question during our family meeting about “our” money–“family” money (or, in many ways, “John’s & Sarita’s” money)–as opposed to “my” money (the money that Luke [or any one of the kids] earns him- or herself).

“I don’t feel the same way about the money I get from Mom and Dad,” he noted. He said he almost feels ashamed either to ask for it or receive it. The only money he feels good about using or spending is the money he has earned himself. . . .

I thought that was a good observation and something we needed (and still need to) talk about: What is our attitude about money? What do we want for our kids? What do we specifically not want? . . .

I’ve told the kids, before, about how, when Sarita and I were first married and living at the bottom edge of the socio-economic spectrum, we always kept a practical and verbal distinction between “our” money or “family” money (which we shared together; i.e., especially in the very earliest days, pretty much all the money we possessed), “my” money and “your” money.

Neither one of us was permitted to spend any of “our” money–the “family” money–unless both of us agreed. Groceries, clothes . . . whatever was going to come out of that pool had to be by mutual agreement.

The individual money–”my” money and “your” money, the money that we individually counted as our own–amounted to all of a dime a week. Yes, ten cents. Enough, barely, to buy a small pack of gum at the time (in the late ’70s). But that little, tiny piece of breathing room meant we felt free. Neither one of us could judge the other for spending that money in some manner that the other wouldn’t approve.

That little bit of money, too, gave us the ability to say, when we gave the other a gift, “I bought this with my own money.” –The gift was a true, personal sacrifice.

I sense this little story may have something to say in answer to Luke’s question. But not much.

I’ll have to think on this one some more.

How do you help your family members write personal resumés that will help your family account for all of its “human and intellectual capital”? Here’s one model.

[If you haven't read my preceding post about Family wealth, unique abilities, and personal resumés, I think you'll want to read it. It explains the basic idea of the "human and intellectual capital" resumé that "includes everything the particular family member believes her or his best friend might know."]

Read the rest of this entry »